I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
