Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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