he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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