I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
