Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize