Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
