I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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