I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
