His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
