True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
