i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
where am i from again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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