no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
