I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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