Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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