this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
