I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize