I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
