sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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