Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
