You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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