Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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