so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
