Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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