can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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