Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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