He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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