Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
