I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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