Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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