I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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