i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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