She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
