You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
