Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
