birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
