its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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