Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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