I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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