Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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