nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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