I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
