remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
