Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
