it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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