What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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