at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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