I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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