Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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