My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
