I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
