Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
