I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
