you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
