Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
